What Dating A Woman For The First Time Is Like

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What Dating A Woman For The First Time Is Like

Post by hojoos » Wed Jul 22, 2020 2:30 pm

I'm bisexual and I've only had a couple of serious relationships ever — until now, they've been with men. But now it's my first relationship with a woman, and it's interesting to see the difference. I find it a little strange, because many bisexual people will have experienced lots of anti-bisexual prejudice and skepticism, but if I'm honest I haven't really. I mean, there are some things I've dealt with— assumptions of infidelity or indecision— but for the most part there's been a whole lot of heteronormative privilege I've experienced because most of my relationships have been with men. It's just happened that way.

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I've had flings and things with women before, and gone on dates with women, but it's the first time it's reached "This is my girlfriend" status. Which for the most part, hasn't been a big deal. Well, maybe that's not true— it's a big deal because it's the first relationship I've been in in ages, not because it's with a woman. Me being with anyone seriously is a bigger deal than the gender and most of my friends and family are not the least bit phased or surprised about it being with a woman. I've always been really open about my sexuality and I'm really lucky that, besides some family reticence, it really has never been too traumatic. That being said, it would be disingenuous to say that there weren't strange things that happened now that I'm in a relationship with a woman.

Here five things that happen when you're in a serious relationship with a woman for the first time:

1. People Ask "So Are You A Lesbian Now?"
When you're bisexual, no one assumes that you've suddenly gone straight when you're in a relationship with a man. Or if they do, they don't say it— which is maybe worse, assuming that you've gone back to the default of something. But now all of a sudden there's a lot of a "So do you not like men anymore?", "So are you gay now?", and even "So were you always gay?". Still attracted to men, still attracted to women. Sorry, folks.

2. Some People Are Jerks
Yeah, all the same stuff that I've gotten when I've been publicly affectionate with women before, but I guess now that I'm in a relationship with someone I really care about, I'm more protective of it. So the hooting and hollering, the stares, the comments— I found them all easier to blow off when I was just having a fling, where as now it gets to me more and I probably notice it more. I still haven't figured out the right way to handle it, but there's a whole lot of "appreciative" cat calls and staring to deal with.

3. But Some People Are SUPER COOL WITH IT
Nice... in a way. Along with the jerks, there are people that are really, really over the top supportive just out of the blue. There's this sweet, but also kind of patronizing "Oh, you two!" attitude that comes from waiters and other people I meet when out. At one of my favorite bars, the waiter asked everyone else to leave when it was closing time, but just kept telling us to take our time. I don't know if it was pervvy or hie or what, but it was strange. You get a lot of of looks like they feel the need to be say "By the way, totally respect this. Super OK with all of this! Look how cool I am!". I don't mean in an overcompensating way, I'm sure that they are totally cool with it— it's 2015— but I'm a little overwhelmed sometimes by how many people feel the need to show exactly how open-minded and liberal they are.

4. Double The Period Time
It is probably really obvious— I mean, it's basic math— but two women means twice as much period time. Whether you're for or against period sex, there's just more period happening. Normally periods sync up, but with my PCOS I don't know if that's a real possibility or not. But the good news is double the excuses to eat loads of delicious period junk food. "Oh, I got this for you, babe!"...sure I did...

5. They Already Have All Of The Things
Not just tampons for the double period time, but being with a girl rather than a man means their normally more equipped with some basic needs. I don't wear fancy makeup, but eyeliner and mascara is pretty much my day to day uniform, no matter what I'm going to, but I know she'll have makeup remover and face wash and frankly a lot of fancy stuff I don't even use because I am the laziest girl in the world. But it's a lot easier being able to pool your resources, and my morning smudged eyeliner looks slightly less horrifying when I there's something to help me scrub it off the night before.

Want more of Bustle's Sex and Relationships coverage? Check out our new podcast, I Want It That Way, which delves into the difficult and downright dirty parts of a relationship, and find more on our Soundcloud page.

Images: Gajus/Fotolia; Giphy (5)

Sex & Relationships

A Guide To Romantic Crushes & When They Could Hit The Danger Zone
Exactly how to differentiate between a harmless crush and the type that will crush your life as you know it. You're welcome.

Having crushes is generally fine, but here's how to tell when they could become risky.
Stocksy/Margaret Flatley
By Ali Drucker
July 8, 2020
You’ve probably heard it before: Having a crush while you’re in a relationship is no big deal! Vanessa Marin, a psychotherapist who specializes in sex therapy, agrees. While we could all stand to normalize crushing more — just because you’re dating someone doesn’t make you immune to having chemistry with anyone else — crushes exist on a spectrum, and they’re not all totally harmless. “There are different shades of crushes,” Marin says. “And you definitely can get into a potentially dangerous zone.” Below, a breakdown of that spectrum, and the risks different crushes can create:

Tier 1 — Certified 100% Harmless
Kristie, 28, from Los Angeles, has a crush on a character from a book.
Kristie has always considered herself very in touch with her emotions, which is perhaps why when she read Sally Rooney’s novel Normal People, she instantly connected with Connell, one of the brooding lead characters. And although she’s happy with how things are going with her boyfriend of one year, she does wish he could be more expressive and unafraid of his feelings, like Connell. But as far as crushes go, Marin says this one is pretty low stakes. It could even be a positive thing, she adds, since it’s allowed Kristie to identify qualities that are desirable to her in a relationship — qualities she can in turn share with her partner, as she’s done in the past. Marin cautions, however, to be aware of the limitations of real humans compared to fictionalized characters: “Sometimes characters in books do or say things that just aren't super realistic to expect from partners.”

Tier 2 — Low-Stakes, Guilt-Free Infatuation
Lana, 30, from Vancouver, has a crush on Michael Keaton.
Lana, who recently got engaged to her fiancé, whom she’s dated for four years, has had a thing for the actor Michael Keaton ever since she first saw him in the 1998 movie Jack Frost. And be it in Birdman or Batman, or even in full-on decayed-corpse Beetlejuice makeup, she finds him undeniably sexy. Plus, she says, he just seems down to earth in his interviews. She jokes about her minor Michael obsession with her fiancé but has considered that verbally oversharing your lust for anyone, especially an “old man,” could be a blow to the ego — or at least annoying to your partner. Marin, however, urges us to take it easy on ourselves with celebrity crushes. (Who among us hasn’t had one?) She gives Lana kudos for being open about it with her fiancé, adding, “The secrecy behind crushes is often what can be far more damaging.” And if you’re worried about oversharing, she suggests bringing it up about half as often as your harmless crush pops into your head. Aka maybe save your out-loud swooning for every other TV appearance your celeb crush makes.

Tier 3 — Proceed With Caution
Rebecca, 31, from New York, has a crush on her girlfriend’s rugby teammate.
Rebecca and her girlfriend of about a year have always had a relationship grounded in open communication. When it comes to crushes, they both acknowledge it’s a normal human emotion, and they’re not afraid of sharing them with each other. So when, about six months into the relationship, Rebecca felt pangs of attraction while she and her girlfriend were hanging out with one of the latter’s teammates, they both treated it with a lighthearted laugh. Her girlfriend, Rebecca says, still teases her about the crush. One potential concern she shares is how someone might perceive their partner having a crush on someone with a different body type, which she believes could be exacerbated if the partner has had body image or gender identity struggles in the past. And although a crush on a shared acquaintance could be more serious than a character or celebrity, Marin thinks it’s wonderful they’re able to joke about it. Marin counsels us all to remember that most people don’t have one specific body type we’re drawn to, so we should try not to be too self-conscious about our partner’s harmless infatuations. But if you’re looking to counter any of your partner’s insecurity, she advises giving lots of specific compliments about their body and your attraction to them.

Tier 4 — Red Flags Raised
Liz*, 28, from Toronto, has a crush on a guy from a work trip.
One year into her marriage, Liz is happy with her relationship, but she admits that sometimes long-term relationships can dull the feelings that make crushes so fun: a desire to impress, the thrill of flirting, excitement about something new. She thinks this was likely at play when she hit it off with a man she met on a press trip for work two summers ago. Since their flights were both a day later than the rest of the group, they found themselves with extra time to spend together, which helped ignite their spark. They stayed in touch after they got home and sent regular emails. She found herself checking Instagram to see if he’d viewed her Stories right away, thinking about him at dinner with her husband, and drafting her next email in her head. Ultimately she decided the crush was taking up too much mental real estate and slowed her communication. But the familiar feelings keep coming back whenever they get back in touch, roughly every week or so. Marin sees this type of crush as an escalation in severity, especially with the daydreaming. The risk here, she explains, is that you can get lost in the fantasy of a crush and neglect your partner, which can strain your ability to connect. But Marin also sees this as an opportunity: “It's easy to settle into our routines and take our relationships for granted,” she says. “But she can try to take that energy we bring to our crushes and see if she can funnel it into her relationship with her husband.”

Tier 5 — Code Red
Danielle*, 30, from Orlando, has a crush on a co-worker.
Early this year, a few months after a new guy started working at Danielle’s company, she developed feelings for him. Soon after, he revealed that he returned her feelings. Now, Danielle is at a standstill. Not wanting to hide her crush, she disclosed it to her husband of one year, and since then, they’ve both been frustrated. Danielle finds herself thinking about her co-worker all the time, despite a self-imposed ban on communication outside work. It’s starting to affect her overall mood; she feels more withdrawn when she’s usually upbeat, and her husband has noticed. She knows she should stop spending time with him at work — they often find excuses to chat — but she doesn’t, which fuels her cycle of guilt and frustration; ultimately she doesn’t want to leave her marriage. Marin notes this kind of emotional affair can cause potentially harmful distance in a relationship, especially if it’s interfering in daily life, as it is for Liz. If both parties aren’t philosophically on board with an open relationship, then getting more space is key. Marin advises that if staying partnered is the goal, you should tell your crush outright that you need to cut back on communication so that you can give yourself time to get over it. But even in a serious crush, it’s important to have empathy for yourself. “A crush is always going to seem more enticing than a real relationship, because we get to have this fantasy picture of what our relationship with a crush could be. [We think] it would always be so hot, sexy, and alluring,” Marin says. “Whereas real relationships are messy and complicated.”

*Name has been changed

Sex & Relationships

How To Tell If You’re A "Foster Girlfriend"
You put in all the work, without reaping the rewards.

MoMo Productions/DigitalVision/Getty Images
By Griffin Wynne
July 22, 2020
After two years of dating, Lucy, 29, still had no idea how her partner, Todd, felt about their relationship. Where was it going? Did he see a future together? A few weeks after they officially called it quits, Todd posted a picture of his new partner meeting his entire family. It was then that Lucy realized exactly what she was to Todd: a foster girlfriend, or a casual fling before Todd settled down with someone serious.

Urban Dictionary defines a foster girlfriend as "a girl who dates men until they find their 'forever girlfriend.'" Although the term is heteronormative, it encompasses people of all genders and sexual orientations. Popularized by TikTokers, the concept has been a pop-cultural phenomenon for decades. Think 500 Days of Summer, when Summer gets engaged right after breaking up with Tom, or Sex and The City, when Big marries Natasha after telling Carrie he can't define the relationship. A foster girlfriend cares for their partner until they're ready to commit. They put in all the work, without reaping the rewards.

Relationship expert Susan Winter tells Bustle that now all foster girlfriends are born out of intention. While some people purposefully string their partners along, others get swept up in their feelings without thinking of the long-term consequences. Moreover, some people date "completely unconsciously" without overthinking their emotions.

Some people use relationships as a "place card" because they enjoy the attention, but don't intend to commit.
Chloe, 26, had been casually seeing her old coworker Mark for a little over a year when he stopped responding to her texts. "I wrote him off as a f*ckboy," she tells Bustle, "I thought he was unable to communicate and incapable of ever having a real relationship.'" But Mark entered a serious monogamous relationship just weeks after ghosting Chloe, leaving her to wonder, "Why not me?" "They are full-on living together now," Chloe says. "I saw them once out at a bar, and he didn't acknowledge me."

Winter says this is intentional — some people use relationships as a "place card" because they enjoy the attention and affection of having them around, but don't intend to commit to them.

Tibbs, 28, says that "foster relationships" make up most of their past dating history. For them, it felt like being a "romantic step stool" for someone, until they reach the relationship they want. "One time, I told my ex that I felt like he was only dating me until someone else came along, and he got really upset," Tibbs told Bustle. "But one day, he met someone else on Hinge, and told me he never wanted to see me again."

Dating coach Clara Artschwager says that if you suspect you might be a foster girlfriend in your current relationship, you should listen to your gut. "More often than not, we choose to ignore those early signs out of a false hope we can somehow change someone," Artschwager tells Bustle. "We all know, deep down, when someone has no intention of being serious with us, it's just a matter of whether we listen to that knowing or not."

Demetrius Figueroa, dating and relationship writer and host of A Mighty Love, agrees. "It's a better bet to judge people by what they do, not just what they say," Figueroa tells Bustle. "It's one thing to say, 'I want something serious,' it's another thing to act to demonstrate that."

"I'm not looking for anything" begins to sound like "I'm not looking for anything — with you."
And while "serious relationships" are subjective, foster relationships all share a pattern of behavior. For example, Lucy, Chloe, and Tibbs share that their exes all used to say that they "weren't looking for anything." The betrayal comes from seeing them walk back their words to be with the next person who comes along. It's then that "I'm not looking for anything" begins to sound like "I'm not looking for anything — with you."

But Figueroa says that it's possible that your ex wasn't looking for anything serious then, but are now. "People change their minds," Figueroa says. "Maybe it's age, a change in life, or an epiphany." Damona Hoffman, dating coach and host of the Dates & Mates Podcast, says that it all comes down to a "mismatch of goals and values, which don't leave much room to build a meaningful relationship."

If you're dating someone who isn't willing or able to define the relationship, commit, or be clear with their intentions, it's time to move on. According to Figueroa, protecting your heart should be the priority.

"You have to reconsider dating them," Figueroa says. "The worst thing you can do is date someone, in the hopes that they change."

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Re: What Dating A Woman For The First Time Is Like

Post by doberso » Thu Jul 23, 2020 2:19 pm

When you are in love or you like someone, it is very exciting! It's also a little scary. Perhaps you want to confess your feelings to this person, invite her somewhere, but you do not know how to do it. You may also be scared that she does not feel the same way for you. I also like a girl http://besthookupnow.com/, I follow her on insta and we talk from time to time. I'm afraid to ask her out

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Re: What Dating A Woman For The First Time Is Like

Post by Berrymelia » Thu Aug 20, 2020 1:35 pm

It is obvious that the first love is absolutely different from the others because it has a special thrill that cannot be repeated.
In general, love is something beautiful, especially the first one. Here both the woman and the man behave completely differently. The most important thing is to be compatible with the characters and to see the world in the same colors. That's why many nowadays check on https://twinflamez.net/ if they are compatible and that gets rid of a lot of problems.

Charles N Stone
Posts: 2
Joined: Fri Dec 04, 2020 2:58 am

Re: What Dating A Woman For The First Time Is Like

Post by Charles N Stone » Fri Dec 04, 2020 3:08 am

The original description of the first date) I haven't had a date with a real girl for so long that I even forgot how it is. I save myself only by watching play with pussy on webcam and fantasizing about my adventures. In the meantime, I am in search and enjoy freedom. If someone wants to meet you are welcome.

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Re: What Dating A Woman For The First Time Is Like

Post by nickdark » Sun Dec 20, 2020 9:05 pm

Thanks for the article on relationships. I met a guy on a dating website and I really like him, but it seems to me that we have problems and I want to know how we can make our relationship better.

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